Wondering how the world EVER survived without text or instant messaging capabilities, the following three-way chat should clearly illustrate why you should destroy your cell phone immediately. You'll get by without it just fine.
Eric: My morning poop stretched out my asshole to the circumference as that of a monster truck tire. Goddamn! I love holidays that revolve around gluttony!
Jim: At least now you know that you could be a "bottom" should you ever experiment with homosexuality...you're already "broken in." BTW, how did you arrive at the conclusion that I was sitting here at 7am wondering about the status of your digestive system anyway?
Eric: I'm bored at work; apparently porn shops aren't as crazy on Black Friday like Wal Mart.
Jim: That's because porn shops don't accept WIC or Food stamp cards. You should add a small grocery aisle to the shop. I'm sure people work up an appetite after viewing porn?
Eric: Edible undies count as food.
Jim: Exactly which food group?
Eric: Grundle
Jim: Haha! Speaking of filthy ho's, I'm gonna bring Marie in on this txt loop...we need a name for the new side project. Since it's stuff that will never go to print or mainstream with the other projects, we need it to reflect inappropriateness in the name.
Eric: Speaking of people whose moral compass points south' I caused quite a stir with the strippers I work with this week.
Jim: How so? Did you hand out an SAT test?
Eric: The barback was gonna run across the street to the convenience store and they were all bitching because he wasn't wearing a jacket in 20-degree weather. They kept nagging "He needs a jacket on!"
Jim: What did you do?
Eric: I told em' to "Mind your own business; we ALL have needs. He needs a jacket, I need a new job, all of you need fathers; just worry about yourself!"
Jim: Brilliant!
Eric: They didn't think so.
Marie: Hey...just got your msg. How bout' naming the site "Pants Candy?"
Eric: How about sending me some nude self pics?
Jim: I don't like pants candy. Something that screams inappropriate or disturbing; something that conveys an "I gotta check this out to see if I hate it" kinda title.
Marie: How about Alabama Hot Pocket?
Jim: I'd like to steer clear of fecal matter where sex is involved. And, Alabama. How about "Big Rubber Dick?"
Eric: We have those on sale at the porn shop actually.
Jim: Great, now I know what to get Marie for Christmas.
Eric: Why not use a name that people can remember?
Marie: You think people cant remember "Big Rubber Dick??"
Eric: Not if Roofys are involved. On another note, why is it that I cant get through the subway platform without these black Muslim dudes trying to sell me incense? What is it about prison that makes these dudes find Allah and WHY he seems to want them to sell me sticks that smell like cherry or vanilla?
Jim: Perhaps the sticks represent the “Tree of Life” and/or masking the smell of marijuana smoke.
Eric: My money is on the weed theory. But, why would Allah condone drug use?Apparently he’s more progressive than advertised.
Jim: If weed curbs their proclivity to gouge me for a pack of cigs at the corner market and/or not blow up planes, I’m all on board for the weed use.
Eric: Plus, that still leaves improvised explosive devices for fun on the weekends.
Marie: How about naming the site “We sell drugs to your kids?”
Eric: We could update it every Tuesday and name it ‘CUNexT tuesday? Get it?
Marie: Or “Surly Rascals?”
Jim: What? Is this Bugs fuckin Bunny and Elmer Fudd? Something inappropriate like: Cancer is fun, Nasty Taco, Go To Hell, Snuggle Struggle, I Ate Your Baby...
Eric: How bout “Go To Hell?”
Marie: “Santa Is My Niggah?” Or "I (heart) Niggahs' ya' herd?" That conveys LOVE, not racism btw.
Jim: I don't think that black people will share your point of view. Btw...Kind of disturbing, but the names suggested in each of our last three txt msgs are taken?? Wow. With the exception of “Snuggle Struggle.”
Marie: What about “STRUGGLE Snuggle?”
Jim: It’s taken. But SNUGGLE Struggle IS available. In using a euphemism for rape, I suppose it doesn’t matter which order that the snuggle comes into play?
Marie: Try selling that logic to the victim.
Eric: Ha! Something you want to share with us Marie? I’m slightly aroused now.
Marie: Me too.
Eric: How about “Festive Fisting?” Side note, HOW was “Fisting” not in my phone’s dictionary. Hardly seems possible.
Jim: Put your phone in your ass and that’ll show it who’s the boss!
Eric: That’s where I always keep it.
Eric: How about "Retards?"
Marie: You CAN'T use that? The term is "Intellectually Challenged."
Jim: Oh, but you CONDONED using "Alabama Hot Pocket?"
Eric: Yeah, we're not even allowed to call them "Glass Lickers" anymore either. "How bout' "Touch of the Tard?"
Jim: Okay...Snuggle Struggle it is. You two and the rest of the group start writing and I’m gonna step as far away from this project as possible.
Eric: Why?
Jim: I like to be gainfully employed...my mainstream clients would drop our other writings in a heartbeat.
Marie: Pussy.
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